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Joke of the Day
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| PhoenixIratus |
Posted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 9:08 am
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Joined: 22 Nov 2006 Posts: 51 Location: Canada |
Joke of the Day -
My friends have been emailing jokes to me for years. Thought I'd share some of my favourites with you - - DOG FOR SALE A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a damn liar. He didn't do any of that shit." - TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and I checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both still be alive. - FRIED EGGS A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the fucking car." - THE VEGETABLE A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. - SHIPWRECKED A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches,and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron.. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doingright now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. 'You mean . . ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. 'Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!' - THE SUMMER ROMANCE TO COME As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you ........................ You fucking mosquito. 
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| SharynS |
Posted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 5:35 pm
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Joined: 28 Jan 2006 Posts: 2883 Location: the 'puter |
You and I must have the same friends PT.
Dont' get me wrong, a forum is a fitting place to share laughter. Beats the hell out opening ten thousand emails. Don't you wonder what our friends are thinking when they regularly mass email these things out to everyone on their email list ~ undisclosed recipients you've got mail! Of course there's always the odd one you must share or that have significance but I've got friends who forward every one that they find somewhat amusing. Strikingly odd, sending shitloads of attachments to people who are obviously online and who more than likely quite familiar with google and who could seek this stuff out - if that's what they wanted. I think the most 
_________________ Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself. - Salman Rushdie |
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| Lex87 |
Posted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:49 pm
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Joined: 31 Mar 2010 Posts: 24 Location: Victoria |
I got sent this one this morning and it made me laugh:
Doctor, Doctor Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell." _______________ Toronto criminal lawyer _________________ Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. |
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| Laboryes |
Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:31 am
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Joined: 29 Jan 2006 Posts: 1959 |
PALIN FAN???
Quote: A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Palin fans.
Not really knowing what a Palin fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher then asked Johnny why he had decided to be different ... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Palin fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Palin?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat." The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat. Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Palin fan." _________________ "When people refuse to obey, then democracy comes alive." Howard Zinn |
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